I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
