I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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