I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
