u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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