im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
