final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
