perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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