And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Randomize
