I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
