96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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