Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
