She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
