I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
