My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
