I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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