just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
