12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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