I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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