I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
