Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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