My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
