I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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