They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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