i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you will always have a special place in my vag
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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