I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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