im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
