She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
