He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
