My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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