this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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