Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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