Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
