I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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