I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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