i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
