It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
