she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
