I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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