I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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