the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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