well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
