you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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