I am in a vortex of obligation.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
