apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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