He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
