mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
