half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
