i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
