My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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