Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
