You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
