If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
