i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
