Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
