He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
