i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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