Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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