I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
